Sunday, October 30, 2011

Good Grief

Every once in a while I like to read through old posts in my journal. Sometimes I surprise myself because I honestly don't remember writing it. Which makes me all the more grateful that I've kept one (although no where near as faithfully as I should!)

A few days ago I found this:

"I've been hungering to hold and play with little 14 month old boys a lot lately. There is one that I especially eye at church because he reminds me of Jonah. He has such a noticeable personality now and it makes me wonder about Jonah's personality. I wish I could experience that right now. I was thinking in church today about how my desire for a child Jonah's age is going to grow up with him. About how since he is our oldest, I will never have another child who has reached "Jonah's age". I'll always be wondering, "what would Jonah be into right now" even when our future kids are 32. Meaning my hunger is never going to be satisfied until he is back in my arms.

It's a scary realization, but a good one to make now, I guess. Before more children come into the picture I needed to be prepared to not fill the void in my heart. To know that I don't just hurt for a son or a baby, but for Jonah. For this one particular boy with his own spirit and his own personality. Yes, the void in my arms will (hopefully) be fulfilled someday, but the void in my heart just cant.

I love my Jonah. I always will. I wish I could hear him speak, giggle, and cry. (Oh how I miss the sound of his cry!) I wish I could read him books. I wish I could sing him songs. I wish I could wake up in the middle of this night just to go watch his chest moving slowly up and down. But I do not wish this pain would go away. He and I maintain a beautiful relationship through my mourning. As his mother I need tears to fall on his behalf. I need someone to wish he were here. I need someone to look around at every get-together and realize someone is missing. I need his name to be spoken; often. And who more appropriate to do those things for him than his own mom? (Although I share in this equally with Ransom)

And so as more children come my grief will take a new turn. I will no longer mourn for motherhood, but I will always mourn for my Jonah."

I was glad to find this post because it reminded me that my grief matters. That even if someone were willing to take it from me, I wouldn't let them. Because even on the hardest days, I know that my grief keeps me connected to my sweet son.

Friday, October 21, 2011

Damage Control

I just reread my last post and realized it could have very easily been taken offensively. I sincerely apologize if I have offended anyone. It was not at all my attention to point fingers or judge working mothers.

It was just one of those days where I found myself looking around my desk and thinking, "What am I doing here!?" One of those days where I was missing Jonah so much that I couldn't stand the thought of choosing to separate from him for even a moment if he were here. Which led me to think about choosing to not stay at home if I had a choice, etc.

I hope I didn't hurt anyone's feelings! I know we all make choices according to what we think is best and it is no one else's place to judge those decisions.

I hope you all have a great weekend!

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

The Working Girl

It's been so long...

I guess I've just been too lazy busy!

Lately, as I've been hard at work, I've been noticing how different my expectations for life are from my co-workers. To be a stay-at-home mom someday (hopefully in the near future) is not even an option for them. And even more; not a desire. It's not that my expectation is right and theirs is wrong, it's that I've never really realized how out of the box my life goal is to the working girl.

And the realization has led me to wonder why/how society got to this point. I can completely understand not being financially able to support a family with one income. But when there's a choice, I cannot imagine choosing to drop my kids off every day and heading to work. I would love to have an in-depth conversation with mothers who choose to work instead of staying home. Not to judge; I am just genuinely interested.

I have this picture of Jonah next to my computer at work:

It's to the left of the screen and slightly tilted so that his eyes line up with mine. (Because as this picture was taken, his eyes were looking right at me) It seems like every time I get really caught up in my work I catch his eyes in my peripheral vision and it reminds me that although life has taken me far from where I thought I'd be two years ago, Jonah (and his future brothers and sisters) is where my heart is. I'll do what I need to until then, but ultimately, our home is where my heart is.

Missing my baby today

*On a side note, my phone has died. My number is the same, so if you could please text me your name so I can re-save you, I'd appreciate it!

Sunday, October 2, 2011

My Part-Time Job

I swear all of my posts won't become about couponing from here on out but since my evening looked like this:

I didn't have the energy to write about anything else. :)

This week's loot:

Ream of paper: Free!
Toothpaste x4: Free!
Lysol wipes: Free!
10 packs of 12 disposable razors: I MADE $1 for each of those packs!
Brita Water purifiers: I MADE $6 on each of them!
Monopoly, Sorry, and the Game of Life: $4 each!
1lb organic spinach x6: $1 each! (I know what you're thinking but I freeze my spinach for smoothies, etc)

It's seriously addicting how ridiculous these deals are! But it's a wonderful way to stock up on things I'll need anyways.